First things first. I have
Today I have almost half of the money and I see the end. I have faith that God will provide and in April I will be stepping on a plane with my group and headed to Uganda. This is a HUGE mile stone in this journey because just a few weeks ago I was ready to give up and run from this trip.
I have tried to write this three different times. I don't want to lull you to sleep with all of the details but there are some important details I cant leave out. So lets start with when and why I wanted to run.
When I was visiting family in LA. I was happily telling my family about the trip but then I got scared. My family was supportive and excited and that meant I was adding to my list of people who knew about the trip. I found myself trying to simplify the trip and making sure they knew I'm not "officially" going yet. What I started thinking is-How am I going to tell them I didn't go because I didn't get the funding. I would have to admit that I failed - I don't do that well or maybe at all....Have I ever admitted that I failed Humm- thats a question to ponder..
Why did I want to run from the trip? In short walking in faith was too hard and I didn't want to fail. I was walking by sight with my rules not Gods. I felt that I was not worthy enough, talented enough, etc. What if I ...disappoint someone? What if I.... am not equipped to go on this missions trip? What if I.....don't have the funding. What if...someone donated money and I didn't get full funding to go?
This is the mantra that starts to play in my head: Where is the nearest off ramp because I am done with this freeway. I have heard what you have in store for me God BUT I am not strong enough to do this now. I know you said , "I need faith" but I don't have it and I don't want to know how to get it. Give me more time, I'll do it later- just let me off this ride!
I knew when I sad, "yes" to this trip God was going to grow my Faith. What I heard was,"I'm going to teach you how to walk by faith." My answer to that was something like, "sure teach me, I could use some more faith how hard can it be?"
Answer: HARD, scary, it makes me doubtful and it made me ready to run.
Has anyone seen Runaway Bride? I loved that movie! As I started to write this Julia Roberts popped into my head along with the song -Ready to Run by the Dixie Chicks...That was a bunny trail but now you may have the song in your head too.
I'm not like Julia Roberts I don't wait until I'm walking down the isle to run. I run "tastefully."
(I say that like it is a better option, sarcastically) I run early only because I am a master at running.
First, I will (and did) talk to a few people who will agree with me and then I wont feel guilty or bad.
Second, I will think of "logical" and "sensible"reasons why I cant go (I had a list.)
Last, I will easily say good bye of the task/idea/dream by telling myself I will do it later. For this trip I said "you will go next year and it will be better because you will have more time."
BUT there was a few road blocks set up on my off ramp. The first was my husband who said you are going! You want to go and you will go. I replied, you are supposed to let me give up. I was SURE he would say, "stay!" (Remember he has both of the kids for 10 days.) My husband supporting me (again) planted a little (maybe I can do it seed)
I agreed I would talk to my leader the next day at our meeting BEFORE I "tactfully" ran away. We had our monthly meeting and the entire time I am wrestling with the want and dream of going and (what I have realized is) fear. The meeting ends and I talk to my leader about my very calculated and logical reasons why I cant go. Do you know what he said? You are going! God will provide. Road block number two. Then he went on to tell me a story about how God provided for him on a missions trip but he had to wait!
Wait on who - oh you know - GOD!
He also said my journey may not be just in Africa it may be me getting to Africa. Humm- I think I knew that and was TRYING to run from that.
In the end of Runaway Bride Julia Roberts finally makes it down the isle to say, "I do."
I will make it to Africa. I might have to wait until I'm walking down the isle. I might even have to walk up to the groom but God will provide.
What this whole emotional mess showed me is that I STILL take back things that I give to God. I've gotten good and giving him most things but the things that require stronger faith and patience. Things that make me wait for the answer,things that I really want, I take and make a plan of my own. THIS is why God told me he is going to teach me how to walk in faith. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders since I tried to walk away and the best thing is my fear is in the light and I'm talking about it instead of pretending that I'm not feeling it. I have asked people to pray for me and I feel the peace about this trip again.
Ahhh. God is good!
I delight in the ~ God waits for my tantrums to stop and still says move~ part of life.
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