Funny Story

My daughter is still not convinced it is a good idea for me to be gone for 10 days. We are in the car and she tells me your not going! She also said, "I will hold on to your legs so you cant go!" I'm learning to wait a moment before I reply to her because if I don't I tend to respond with comments that are not becoming of a grown-up. :) I waited a moment and God gave me the story of Jonah and the whale. I go with God because His idea is more mature then the, "I'm going and you cant stop me" that I was thinking of using.

I explain that she WANTS mommy to go to Africa because mommy needs to follow what God told her to do. Then I ask, "Do you remember Johna and when he didn't listen to God?" God sent a whale (big fish) to gobble him up so he wouldn't drown when he was tossed of the ship. The ship he was on, trying to  run away from what God asked him to do. She didn't say much but it stopped her tears so I thought, "crisis adverted."

So Sunday (days later) she is talking to her friend about me going to Africa and she says, "mommy has to go to Africa or she will be eaten by a whale." it took me a few seconds to figure out how she came to that conclusion, then I remembered what I told her earlier in the week. I just smiled and agreed.

I don't think God will send a whale (me living about an hour from the sea) but I can see lots of whale moments that could make me pause on this trip or in life for that matter. I'm not interested in having to pause. I want to listen, obey and grow.

I am amazed by God every day. He does little things to encourage me to continue looking to Him and walking in faith. I feel better every time I take the step asked and it's taking less and less time for me to take the step.

Have you looked at my total? I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR PLANE TICKETS!!!!!
My deadline was February 26th for the $1673.00 and I'm over my goal and well on my way to the next goal!! ($800.00 by March 22nd) It is ALL God. (I know my tally says I need everything by February but when I set it up I didn't have an option to choose two dates.) 

Money has been coming in the mail, the flood gates are opened. My family has been (and is) generous, loving, supportive and giving. They want to support me to go on this trip.

I just want to say THANK YOU!!!! to my family and friends who have made this overwhelming response on my behalf. It is a humbling place to be in. My family and friends are saying, we believe in you so much we want to help you get to your goal and it is our pleasure to do this for you.

Its' something I "know" but when I see the money coming in the mail and the letters of support written, it puts me in a "WOW" place. It is like my leader said, God will provide and He has. It is easy at this point to know I will get the other 600.00 for this trip. I have No fear in the funding department but don't ask where the fear is now.....that's another post :)

I delight in~ the being taught to fly moments.



1/2 way to the Goal!!

First things first. I have $850.00 (just got money in the mail) $1,050.00 for my trip! Some of the funds came from family members supporting me, some I've saved since November and the rest I got for Christmas and my birthday.

Today I have almost half of the money and I see the end. I have faith that God will provide and in April I will be stepping on a plane with my group and headed to Uganda. This is a HUGE mile stone in this journey because just a few weeks ago I was ready to give up and run from this trip.

I have tried to write this three different times. I don't want to lull you to sleep with all of the details but there are some important details I cant leave out. So lets start with when and why I wanted to run.

When I was visiting family in LA. I was happily telling my family about the trip but then I got scared. My family was supportive and excited and that meant I was adding to my list of people who knew about the trip. I found myself trying to simplify the trip and making sure they knew I'm not "officially" going yet. What I started thinking is-How am I going to tell them I didn't go because I didn't get the funding. I would have to admit that I failed - I don't do that well or maybe at all....Have I ever admitted that I failed Humm- thats a question to ponder..

Why did I want to run from the trip? In short walking in faith was too hard and I didn't want to fail. I was walking by sight with my rules not Gods. I felt that I was not worthy enough, talented enough, etc. What if I ...disappoint someone? What if I.... am not equipped to go on this missions trip? What if I.....don't have the funding. What if...someone donated money and I didn't get full funding to go?

This is the mantra that starts to play in my head: Where is the nearest off ramp because I am done with this freeway. I have heard what you have in store for me God BUT I am not strong enough to do this now. I know you said , "I need faith" but I don't have it and I don't want to know how to get it. Give me more time, I'll do it later- just let me off this ride!

I knew when I sad, "yes" to this trip God was going to grow my Faith. What I heard was,"I'm going to teach you how to walk by faith." My answer to that was something like, "sure teach me, I could use some more faith how hard can it be?"

Answer: HARD, scary, it makes me doubtful and it made me ready to run.

Has anyone seen Runaway Bride? I loved that movie! As I started to write this Julia Roberts popped into my head along with the song -Ready to Run by the Dixie Chicks...That was a bunny trail but now you may have the song in your head too.

I'm not like Julia Roberts I don't wait until I'm walking down the isle to run. I run "tastefully."
 (I say that like it is a better option, sarcastically) I run early only because I am a master at running. 
             First, I will (and did) talk to a few people who will agree with me and then I wont feel guilty or bad.
            Second, I will think of "logical" and "sensible"reasons why I cant go (I had a list.)
            Last, I will easily say good bye of the task/idea/dream by telling myself I will do it later. For this trip I said "you will go next year and it will be better because you will have more time."

BUT there was a few road blocks set up on my off ramp. The first was my husband who said you are going! You want to go and you will go. I replied, you are supposed to let me give up. I was SURE he would say, "stay!" (Remember he has both of the kids for 10 days.) My husband supporting me (again) planted a little (maybe I can do it seed) 

 I agreed I would talk to my leader the next day at our meeting BEFORE I "tactfully" ran away. We had our monthly meeting and the entire time I am wrestling with the want and dream of going and (what I have realized is) fear. The meeting ends and I talk to my leader about my very calculated and logical reasons why I cant go. Do you know what he said? You are going! God will provide. Road block number two. Then he went on to tell me a story about how God provided for him on a missions trip but he had to wait!

Wait on who - oh you know - GOD!

He also said my journey may not be just in Africa it may be me getting to Africa. Humm- I think I knew that and was TRYING to run from that.

In the end of Runaway Bride Julia Roberts finally makes it down the isle to say, "I do." 
I will make it to Africa. I might have to wait until I'm walking down the isle. I might even have to walk up to the groom but God will provide.

What this whole emotional mess showed me is that I STILL take back things that I give to God. I've gotten good and giving him most things but the things that require stronger faith and patience. Things that make me wait for the answer,things that I really want, I take and make a plan of my own. THIS is why God told me he is going to teach me how to walk in faith. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders since I tried to walk away and the best thing is my fear is in the light and I'm talking about it instead of pretending that I'm not feeling it. I have asked people to pray for me and I feel the peace about this trip again.

Ahhh. God is good!

I delight in the ~ God waits for my tantrums to stop and still says move~ part of life.

 

Meeting with the missionary

December 2, 2012


   Today we met with our missionary who lives in Uganda, He was in the states and we were able to meet him. He has been in Uganda with his family for almost 7 years! Wow!!

  There was a lot of information about Africa and Uganda that I had not known. The unemployment rate is 60% or more. Most of Kampala's population are young kids (under 18.) They usually don't have parents and they don't have jobs. So they wonder around trying to figure out where to get the next meal. Its just heartbreaking. How does someone have hope in a place like this? I am not detoured from going I am just nervous. I'm still walking in faith.

For we live by believing and not by seeing. 2 Corinthians 5:7 (NLT)

I saw this as I was googling walk by faith and I think it is exactly what I'm learning...

To walk by faith, is to live in the confident expectation of things that are to come; in the belief of the existence of unseen realities; and suffering them to influence us as if they were seen.

To walk by sight or by the things that are seen. Is to live for wealth, honor, splendor, praise, for the objects which this world can furnish. It is to live how society wants you to live.

To walk in sight is me questioning if I could raise all the funds for this trip. I see that in society you save and work for vacations you don't ask people for help unless your homeless. My sight or I call it my brain questions where the money is going to come from. My faith says, "QUIET" God is in charge it will work out and you will have another story about how wonderful God is.

My sight tells me I'm not good enough my faith is saying, "QUIET" I expect that I am good enough because I know this trip is my path. What I'm surprised about is that I am having to tell my sight to quiet down a lot more then I thought I would.

A bible story that comes to mind is a bit more dramatic then what I'm going through but the principal is the same. Its Moses, he has talked to the Pharaoh and convinced him to free his people (Hebrews from Egypt). Pharaoh (after many plagues) finally agrees to free the Hebrews only to change his mind and send his army after them. Moses is leading the Hebrew people and they hit the Red Sea. They know the army is behind them ready to take them back and in front of them is a huge sea. God tells moses to raise his staff and the sea parts.

Here is the faith part. If I where Moses I would look at the sea and tell my people to start to find things that float as I was praying to God asking him why? or What do I do? If I did hear God and he tells me to lift a piece of wood (the staff) I would falter. I would start to walk by sight, I would look at the many faces behind me and have a "conversation" with God willing him to ask me to do something else (that made sense to me) or ask God to show me a sign that I heard him correctly. My first reaction would not be to just lift my staff in faith.

Here is the deal, you cant make deals with God. God asked Moses to lift is staff. Moses was probably doubting that lifting a stick would help but did he stop and have a "conversation" with God? No, he stepped in faith. He knew how God had gotten the Hebrews out of Egypt so he lifts a piece of wood and because he obeyed God shows His power and parts the sea. God saves the people not Moses. God wants to make sure you know that He is the power not you.

 I feel like I have to explain something- I think sometimes its OK to ask questions, to ask God to open or shut a door if you are uncertain. BUT once God has opened doors once you have received your sign STOP asking questions. Will God get mad and take things away? In short, God has more love and Grace for us then we can fathom. But God asks us and tells us to walk by faith. If we try to walk by sight we will fail, I'm sure at the very least if you walk by sight with the things God has shown you he will take His mercy away or send you through a valley to teach you to lean on him.

Like moses I have seen God work and free many things about this trip (as mentioned in the other posts) so I know that I am walking on the path He wants me to be on. My job now it to obey and do what God asks even if my brain tells me it's stupid or wont work. Even if my brain tells me I'm not the one who needs to go on that trip. I am working on lifting that staff when God asks the first time.

Its not easy, my first reaction is to walk by sight. But I have a feeling if I can get "this" (meaning walking by faith) and to obey the first time that huge things are going to happen on this trip.

As I'm writing this I cant stop thinking about my kids. How many times to I ask them to listen the first time? Too many to count. How frustrated do I get with them when they don't listen? Sometimes, especially in the morning, I get very frustrated. Again, I am thankful for Gods grace and I ask that I have extra grace for my kids.

I have an Idea

November 28


Uganda's My Mission,


  My mission is to get to Kampala, Uganda and to do that the only thing in my way is the money for the plane tickets. ($1673.44) I have until February 26th.

I do have another $727.56 to come up with for hotel and other in country costs but that has me less worried. I can raise that money on my own cupcake selling, photo taking, saving my Christmas and birthday money abilities. (probably)

My new idea stemmed from the meeting. They talked about sending out mission letters. As I said earlier in this blog, the leader of this trip went on mainly donations and it was from the mission letters. My problem there wasn't enough room on one page to tell the true story of why I am going on this trip.

I wrote a letter that looks more like a news letter. My idea was to have important information on the sides and the story in the middle. I liked how it looked and it was nearly done so I asked my mom to read it and tell me what she thought. Her first reaction is that I had left a lot of the journey out. I remind her that there is only so much room. I also say once the letters are out I will post that I am going to Africa on facebook and they can get more information there.

I am then reminded about one of the members of the trip saying her friend had something from paypal that people could go to and pay right away. I started to look into it thinking I could put it on my facebook page. I found what they called a widget and it was neat. It gave you a goal and you can keep track of who donated and how much you have left to collect. I make the widget and then realize its for a blog.

I remember my friend Hillary who started writing a blog on her adventures in Alaska. It's like sitting next to her and talking to her. I thought I could do that. I googled blog the first one that popped up was blogger.com and I started writing. I wrote the first 3 that night. I, however, was a bit nervous to share it so I sent it to my friend Hillary and she said, "Take the step."

Over the last few days I have looked over the first 3 posts and added a few commas and quotations and still like what I wrote. I talked to a few other friends and they liked it too.

So today (December 1st) I sat at my computer and finished everything I had to say. I also added the widget.

Family and friends if you have been reading this blogg this is so you will know about the journey I'm on and have taken so that I can go to Africa. When I say. "I'm going to Africa" this is everything that is behind that simple sentence.

Please stay with me on this journey. Please think about how you can help me on this journey. If you can donate you can use the paypal widget that is on my blog.

 If you want to make a tax deductible donation, Mail me a check made out to THE FATHERS HOUSE in the memo put UGANDA or MISSION TRIP and you will receive a giving statement in time for taxes. It is important not to put my name on the check if you want a tax deductible donation.

If you can't donate to my trip financially please pray. Prayer is powerful. You see from my posts that I am already battling fear and doubt.

Thank you for caring about me and wanting to see what I care about. I hope that you continue to read my posts so you can stay on the journey with me.

I am blessed to have great friends and family,

Ashley

November 25th



  My first Uganda meeting and I'm late. I didn't mean to be late. I had planned on it all day but as I was getting ready, Audrey started to melt down. She didn't want me to go.

Let me just take this moment to say, "my kids are NOT excited about me going to Africa." They don't see or want to hear about my vision. They don't want to know what it means when mom is out of the house for 10 days. They have heard Uganda over the last month or so and now they are trying to ignore the word and the fact that I am going.

 I have talked to them about how letting me go will help other children. They like the idea but are not sold on it.

 I have bribed them with gifts - what kid doesn't want a true African drum? They are still unimpressed.

 Logan's 10th birthday is while I am gone. I tried to make that another reason I couldn't go but I knew quickly that I could make his birthday up and I couldn't make another trip up.  Logan is sad that I will be missing his birthday but we planned to have a party before I leave and I promised to bring him back something extra awesome from Africa. I think he is fine with me missing his birthday but not OK with missing me for 10 days.

 My kids not wanting me to go tears at my heart but ultimately I want my kids to see that giving is important. I want them to eventually go with me on missions trips. I know this is something they are going to have to learn (sharing, selfless giving). I also know they are lucky to have the dad they do. I know they will be fine but to convince them of that is not an easy task.

I get out the door from Audrey's performance (imagine a 6 year old holding your legs on her belly saying "Noooo don't go" as your walking out the door) that was her way of telling me how much she loves that I want to help children in Africa.

I steel myself against her tactics and I'm out the door and in the car. I put in the address to my GPS it says I can get there in 6 minutes, I have 7 before the meeting starts. Great! I think I will just make it. However my GPS LIED. It took me 15 minutes to get there and once I got there I realized it took me in a circle. UGH!!! WHY!!

So I'm in my car 10 minutes late telling myself to go in there (I've gone too far to chicken out now) my desire to actually be on Africa's soil wins and I knock on the door.

I walk in and everyone is passing around a picture of a child and I missed the story of why. - I missed something and I'm immediately deflated and bummed. This is not how I had envisioned the meeting going. I wanted to talk to people before I sat down. Now I am just the late one.

And it keeps getting better.....the seat I choose is 3 away from the leader. He asks us introduce ourselves and talk a little about why we are going to Africa. I'm in my head so much (about being late and tons of other things) that the man next to me is talking and I think' "oh NO, I'm next!" What do I have to say? Then I have a reaction that I have never had before- my heart starts racing and I can hear it beating. I start breathing quickly. I think, "is this what people feel like when they have stage fright?"

 My turn is now, I have done my best to listen to the man next to me and calm myself down but I still didn't have much time to think about what I was going to say. I ramble out my name and the journey that is most on my mind about me trying to say no to this trip and God always saying yes then I breath a sigh of relief when I'm done and someone else is speaking.

After my friend Amanda speaks (three people after me) I calm down decide to diagnose my feelings later and the rest of the meeting goes well. We receive information about how to dress, the customs of Uganda and some of the things we might be doing like visiting orphanages and schools. He also says this is a trip based on children we are going to love on them and show them how amazing they are.  Humm- sounds very close to my Africa brown baby vision. (Thank you God for showing me ONCE AGAIN that I am on the right path)

At the end we talk about financial deadlines. I'm ready for this - I'm trusting in God - I see that we need $1673.44 by February 26th. UGH!! Ok I wasn't ready for that number!

 How is this going to happen I ask myself. I take a breath and remind myself of all the times about this trip that I said it wouldn't work. I tell myself God is able. But because I am a person who likes to have a plan I also decide I'm going to make a lot of cupcakes. I even start brainstorming on where I can sell them. At $1.00 a cupcake I need to sell 1,674. This is not impossible I have until February 26th.

I end up walking out of the meeting very awkwardly. When I'm in my car I realise it feels like I staied a minute too long, I should have walked out with the crowd but I staied to talk to my friend and she stopped to talk to someone else. I was up walking out the door and didn't intend to have her stop, so I said a quick bye and walked out the door. 

I get home and I think --Social failure - what is going on with me I feel like I'm in 7th grade again. What just happened? all of this is so new to me I rarely second guess myself and today in a hour meeting I have second guessed my self more then I care to count. I usually know how to talk to people and I enjoy doing it. What is going on?

 The most immediate answer I come up with is this trip means more to me then anything I can think of. My dreams of being a wife & mother came true with a little effort and a lot of patience. I cant think of anything else in my life that I have wanted so much and that I'm so scared of at the same time. I think I am scared to fail.

 This is stupid because my spirit knows this trip is not about what I can do. I know my mission is to have faith and see what God does. But I am human and my human brain can get the best of me. The only way I know how to combat fear and doubt is to pray so I do and I feel better.

 I feel better until the next day when Amanda calls me and says, "what was wrong with you yesterday?" UGH!!! it was social failure. I tell her all about my fears and problems and decide I can only do better next time :-)

If you are reading this e-mail

                                                                      


 November 10, 2012

I've turned in the packet, I'm praying, I have hope and I decide I am going to have faith. I'm going to trust in the mighty God who is in charge. I remind my self--God does know what he is doing. Every time I try and take charge it never works out so the only thing to do is trust in Him.  I (somewhat) patiently wait for the answer and to pass the time I volunteer for adopt-a-block.

Adopt-a-block is something that my church does. They have "adopted" certain neighborhoods in our city that have people who are in need expically for food. We bring the food to them and knock on doors to see how people are doing.

I meet up with my BFF Amanda who leads a block. Amanda is going to Africa also. In fact she introduced me to the leader when I was trying to tell her I cant go :-)  We handed out food and while we waited for more people I asked her when will we know about Africa? She said, "Oh your going." ........ what?

"What?" I say again, when did you find this out? "Oh, today," she said you should be getting an email soon. Later that afternoon I receive an e-mail. Subject: Uganda. I open the e-mail and the first sentence says,  "Hello 2013 Uganda Team, if you are receiving this email it means your application was accepted."

I've been accepted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am immediately scared, nervous, doubtful of my capabilities and EXCITED all at the same time. I'm going to Africa - what just happened? My dream my vision is here in my grasp and now all I have to do is trust in God to provide the funds that I need so I can go. 

Anyone need cupcakes?

The second step-Dare to hope.

Mid October 2012

 My husband eventually said, "yes" to me going and he has no problem watching the kids! I will be gone for 10 days. That is amazing.

Here is the catch - I can go but all of the money used for Uganda can't come from the household money. "Deal!" I say. In my mind I'm saying" its doesn't matter about how I get the money because I cant get the time off work."


Why do I say that? because this is my job...
First off I LOVE my job. I work as the office manager at my children's school (Fairfield Christian School) I have people who help me, like my dear friend and office assistant Irene, but I am the one who knows where everything is and how to do it.
 As a general rule if you work at a school you do receive sick days but try not to use them and if you want time off or a vacation you take off when there are breaks. Our Easter break is March 29th-April 5th. Not the full time of the trip. In fact I will have to be gone from the office for a full week.

I start thinking...How does one manage an office when they are in Africa? Can my iphone still send and receive emails? Because that would help a lot! I end with, I'm the office manager if I'm not there Irene can hold down the fort for a day or so but not for a week. My boss will say no for sure.

The next day I approach the subject with my boss. I wait for him to say, "no" and he said, "yes you have to go!"..... what?

"Ok God" I say to myself I have tried to say no to this trip 4 times (or more)  and all I keep hearing is YES. I will trust you BUT how am I going to come up with the money? I decide to be obedient (cast all your worries on God) and wait to worry about money after the information meeting.

                                          

October 21st. This is what I've been waiting for. The "other shoe" will drop and I can say,"I tried again" In the information meeting I see a room full of people, I get the packet and sit down. I start to thumb through the packet and its about 10 pages long I start thinking in my head (for those of you who really know me, you know this is what I always do :)

First off I need a passport, check. Yellow Fever Vaccine, nope and why? Malaria Pills- ugh OK. Than I remember when I worked in the lab and we learned about all of the parasites that could be in this world, most of them come from AFRICA!

 Humm - what was my image again? It's sweet brown babies. It's not getting vaccinated and taking pills. It's not getting worms or bites from the tsetse fly! Oh no! what have I done?

 I am back in the room now, I am calm again..... I realize because of my lab experience I know how those little pests cycle (in life) so I can survive! I also vow to myself not to eat meat the whole time I'm there.

 The meeting starts and he talks about how he went last year and God provided the money. He did sell some things he didn't need and the rest of the money was donated.

 OK God, I say AGAIN. My last "NO" just went down the drain, I surrender! Then I hear,"have faith."

 I hear this- I KNOW how great and awesome God is yet, I look at the packet and see all the things I have to fill out and say, "they wont accept me."

 I have two weeks to fill out my packet and turn in the deposit. I start filling out the packet right away and then put it in a safe place, so safe when the deadline is near I'm frantically looking all over the house for it, my husband might even say I was trying to blame him for loosing it...I however plead the fifth.

 The packet is found and on November 5th, I turn in the packet and give it to God. Every step I have tried to control and say, "It's not for me"and EVERY no has become a yes. Every door is opened. I have to have faith there is no denying it -- so I start hoping and dreaming.

A big dream of mine is to take pictures while I'm there. I want to be behind the camera catching everything. To take pictures of the kids, the houses, the land and lions if I see them. I talk to another friend, Kristen, about it and she says, "sometimes they ask one person to be in charge of pictures." "Really?" I say, then think in my head, they wont ask me to do that. I know what I'm going to do there -- I'm going to hold babies and pray for people. (yes I know! - I'm still trying to be in charge)..... I'm a work in progress people! Good thing God has Grace :-)

 I start to talk with a few of my friends and family members about the possibility of me going and my hope grows. I have wonderful reactions and wonderful ideas given to me about how to get the extra cash. I can take pictures for extra money (Its my hobby), I can have a garage sale and my father-in-law said I should sell my cupcakes (another hobby).

 Yes! this is possible I'm going to Africa!

 Wait....I'm still not on the team and I don't know how long I will have to wait to get the answer.